I'm Doing This for MySELF

Well, here I am in the final weekend of Christmas break, wondering if my new routine will carry me through the rest of the school year. It's not that I don't want to do things, it's just that I sometimes find it difficult to keep going with a good plan because, frankly, I'm pretty worn out at the end of each day after school and really enjoy taking a load off.  But more on that idea later.  Today's thoughts are more a continuation of what I talked about last time.

I have at least one friend who is an alcoholic, and I have known many folks throughout the years who have been smokers and are addicted to nicotine.  I hope that I don't offend here, or have people think I am making light of those situations, but I am pretty convinced I'm addicted to food.  Stay with me; there are many signs.

My last class for my Master's degree was a seminar in alcohol and drug abuse.  I thought that would be a good thing for my career and helping kids deal with stuff, etc.  The professor, a psychologist, said something that has stuck with me for ten years.  It went along the lines of "an addiction is when 1 (drink) is too many, but 1,000 is not enough."  I smiled.  "Holy crap, I'm addicted to McDonald's fries..."

And M&Ms.  And many other so-called comfort foods.  Have you ever done something because you're stressed?  Happy? Sad? Angry?  I have associated all of those things with EATING.  The biggest problem here is that I also love food.  Seriously.  I don't know if an alcoholic would talk about loving the flavor, aroma, feel of alcohol, but I appreciate food.  So I can eat virtually any time!  Hungry?  Who cares?  It's FOOD!  Bad day at school?  Burger.  Good day at school?  Celebrate with pizza.  Beginning of the year?  Curragh for Fish and Chips.  End of the year?  NHBC for the D-White pizza.  You get the idea.

I apologize if, in my ignorance, I have this wrong*.  But from what I hear from friends and what I have read, these are addictive behaviors.  I didn't mention things like hiding food from others so they don't see you (yep, done it), eating while standing in the kitchen so it doesn't seem like I'm eating as much (mhmm...), and the classic "I can stop this whenever I want."  The last one's not so bad, because honestly, I haven't wanted to stop all that much.
         *I hate those apologies, by the way.  "IF" I'm wrong.  I don't know how else to put this one, though.

Which FINALLY brings me to the point of today's entry.  I have done bets with people, entered contests at school, signed up for the wellness program (which offers "prizes"), and that kind of thing.  Sometimes it works, but most often not.  Because I have come to realize that until I want to make this happen for MYSELF, it won't happen.

I have a former student who tried to quit smoking last summer.  We gave him crap about it, told him how much money he was spending on cigarettes on a yearly basis, offered to bet with him, reward him, and all the things I mentioned above.  At one point he said something like I did.  He just didn't want to quit.  And in spite of all the stuff I (and he) know about the dangers, evils, and horrors of cigarette smoking, I understood him absolutely.  You can't do it for someone else; you have to admit to yourSELF that things need to change.  (I don't know where he is on his efforts; I have made it kind of a point to not ask, because it's not my business.)

So here we are, at the beginning of another year and another quest, and I know I have friends and family pulling for me.  But I know that, though you are all in my corner, it will not matter how much support I have until I understand myself better.  I've come to the conclusion that I am tired of being this way.  Mostly it's about how I look, honestly (waaaaayy too much like a guy in his late 40s, for instance...), but lately, as I mentioned a couple posts ago, I have also been thinking about my family history.  Doc died at age 70-ish, a few months shy of 71.  Quadruple bypass, brought on by high blood pressure, heart disease, and Type 2 Diabetes.  All preventable with lifestyle changes.  His condition was exacerbated by rheumatic fever as a child (or so I'm told), but I watched the man eat for 20-some years.  We used to fight over Helen's American Fries (which to this day I can't duplicate...) if that tells you anything.

So please understand something as you support me: there's a chance I might bristle at your "assistance" at some point.  It will probably be when I'm holding a damn pint of Ben and Jerry's that I don't need.  But believe me when I tell you that THAT is not the moment to try to stop me or remind me of my successes.  I know at least one person who knows exactly what I'm talking about:)  And you won't understand it until you've been here.

Next in this exciting tale...  "I'm Not Lazy, I'm a Fan of Convenience."  Refer to paragraph number one in today's entry for a reminder.