You, gentle reader, deserve fair warning... The title of this post probably does NOT mean what you think it does. As a matter of fact, if you keep reading you will most definitely venture into the realm of TMI - this post is NOT about being tired.
Get it??
Still with me???
I will give you one more chance to bail....
OK, consider yourself warned. Any objections to content hereinafter written are entirely because YOU couldn't look away.
Yep, this post is about poop. Good old run-of-the-mill fecal matter. Many words have been written regarding this particular substance and function, quite a few of them hilarious. My family actually bought me (I kid you not) a book on the subject for Fathers' Day a couple years ago. Detailed descriptions of the many varieties of the daily constitutional. Laughed til I cried.
There are also many different words for the stuff itself (the most obvious, beginning with S, we will skip for now, but there are dozens - doo-doo, poop, dookie, fudge, crap, bum nuggets, butt butter - check out http://www.heptune.com/poopword.html#Poop (the stuff, nouns) for a LARGE list), as well as words and phrases for the act of pooping (dumping, daily constitutional, dropping the kids off at the pond, drop a deuce, etc. - http://www.heptune.com/poopword.html#Poop (to do it, the verbs).
My family could go on for hours about this. And my dad, Doc, loved to hate every second of it. "Come on!" he'd shout. "Knock it off!" And then he would get the wheezing, red-faced, almost-ready-to-combust laughter (which I have inherited...) going and lose all control.
Apparently everyone poops, too. Women don't, depending on who you ask, but I have my doubts.
Gillian McKeith, a funny, grouchy lady that had a TLC channel show called "You Are What You Eat" for a few years, is very into the analysis of said substance. She even has a chart with pictures (though if you want to know any kind of information about what your poop should look like you have to sign up for her club): http://www.gillianmckeith.info/individual-pages/stool-analysis-and-poo-chart/
I have had many a serious conversation about the act and substance with medical professionals; a little over a year ago I had a colectomy, which, as you might guess, is an "ectomy" of a pretty important part of the process...
"Reasonably smooth, easily passed, with little to no wiping afterward." This was the first surgical consultation I had. About two years ago, when I was first considering what was basically elective surgery but very necessary for my long-term well-being. The surgeon went on to describe many other things in great detail, and kept referring to my colon as a "poop organ." Hard to keep a straight face based on my family history with the subject. "Yeah, doc, you shoulda seen the one I did the other day..."
So, as you might guess, between family history, medical history, and the overall comedic enjoyment I and society get regarding the subject, I have done a lot of thinking about my daily constitutionals. And here's what I have to offer:
1. It's still funny. I don't care who you are, you have a funny story in your personal history about this. Whether from a toddler's diaper coming off in the crib to the "my word, I must have lost five pounds after that one," (and you DON'T! try it; weigh yourself before and after!) you have enjoyed a good laugh over this. And that's good. You should laugh at yourself, because other people probably are:)
2. It can be painful. Whether from the aftermath of my favorite salsa from one of my band parents, an illness, or the effects of too much (fill in the blank here), we have all experienced an unpleasant trip to the loo.
3. Holy crap, that surgeon was right!! I didn't end up using him (something just didn't click with us, and if someone is going to be digging around inside me and taking out a reasonably large part of a reasonably important organ, I want to get along with him/her), but he was indeed correct: when I eat right and exercise, they come out just like he said! It makes sense, of course. If your body is properly fueled, your body uses the fuel it needs and disposes of the waste. "Garbage in, garbage out" is the other end of that spectrum.
I could (and have) go into great detail about my various loads. And I have honestly found it edging toward fascinating sometimes when, after an evening with more than one beer, too many deep-fried foods, and maybe some rich dessert, the next morning's offering is rather different than the one the day before.
So what? Well, in spite of the fact that I am not that great at taking my own advice, LISTEN TO YOUR BODY.
- "Smooth, easily passed, with little to no wiping."
- Someone named Dr. Lindsay Duncan answered the "how many times a day" question with this nugget: "You should be having 2-3 healthy bowel movements a day. When you aren't eliminating properly, your body's waste may not be expelled for days, weeks, or even months. Most people go through their daily lives eliminating once a day, once every other day, or even less. If you eat 3 full meals a day and only eliminate once a day, once every other day, or twice a week, what happens to all the un-eliminated waste matter? Where are all the other meals hiding? All of that unexpelled toxic waste is sitting in your body affecting every cell and tissue, which has a negative impact on your health. These toxic poisons rob your body of good health and energy, making you feel old, tired and sick. Ninety percent of the time, these complaints can be alleviated or greatly reduced through internal cleansing."
- This handy link discusses size and color: http://women.webmd.com/pharmacist-11/digestive-problems (it's geared specifically to women, but that's OK)
So there you go. A little info/experience about going to the library (as my father would say, newspaper in hand, heading down the hall). One of the first episodes of Seinfeld I remember watching included this hilarious bit in which Kramer can't find a bathroom; he ends up "missing his chance." Yep. Been there...
This post is lovingly dedicated to my family. My siblings - Pam, Kevin, Brenda, Marcia - and I could tell you stories! My wife, Dana, and I could, too, but it might embarrass the kids:) Nathan encouraged me to write this one the other day, and Erin always loves hearing about the satisfaction level of my morning constitutional.
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